If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’ve long talked about gentle parenting and how it is a beautiful and viable way of parenting. I’ve been talking about it for 15 years. I used to write about being a Christian and how gentle parenting gave us such a wonderful view of Jesus, the gentle shepherd.
Here was my first post about gentle parenting, on my old blog, written in 2013:
“Even with my very first baby,
well meaning Christians would talk to me about
the importance of spanking,
of not “Sparing the rod”
and though I had nothing at the time
to back me up,
it just didn’t sit well with me.
I would look at bright blue baby eyes,
eyes filled with awe and wonder,
with the beauty which came with newness,
and imagine causing pain to that little soul.
I would read of Christ,
His commands to love,
His gentleness with children, with people and
never could I see Him spanking or
desiring a child to be spanked.
It all fell into place when I saw
how Jesus is the gentle shepherd and
read (over and over) psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.[a]
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness[b]
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
His rod and staff comforts us.
Comforts us.
His rod comforts, it doesn’t hurt.
He leads, He guides, He comforts and
that is the use of the rod, not punishment.
With this knowledge the actual verse,
“He who spares the rod hates his son” prov. 13:24,
makes perfect sense. If I fail to love, comfort,
guide my children then it is as if I do hate them.
And I could finally breathe because
I didn’t feel like I was backwards.
That intuition I had to love and guide my children,
to shower grace upon them and
teach them with gentleness, was not wrong.
As a shepherd leads,
as The Shepherd leads.
And so these words fill my parenting…
grace, gentleness, guidance, love, hope.
Words which Christ, The Shepherd embodies.
I do not spank and I am not ashamed.
I think I’m in pretty good company.”
When I first started talking about it, most people had never heard of it. They were curious, asking me what gentle parenting was, giving me the opportunity to introduce parents to this beautiful way of raising children in a peaceful, respectful, non-violent, Christ-honoring way.
However, in the past five years, the term gentle parenting has blown up. Like, actually blown up. Almost anything I read online, or any comment I hear someone make, shows a complete misunderstanding of what gentle parenting is.
It’s widely believed that gentle parenting means:
- Giving children total say over things.
- Never saying no.
- Letting kids make all decisions.
- Allowing children to behave however they want and not putting a stop to things, even when these things are negatively affecting other people.
- Never dealing with behaviors because every bad behavior comes from an unmet need.
These ideas, and others like them, totally misrepresent what gentle parenting actually is.
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean giving children say over everything- it means that when the situation allows for it, letting them have a voice. And, if the parent has to make a decision the child doesn’t like, holding space for their disappointment, allowing them to feel upset about it, teaching them HOW to manage those feelings in a healthy way.
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean allowing children to behave however they want- it means not using punishment to stop poor behaviors, but instead, using connection. It means you connect before you correct. It means using guidance, nurturing, and empathy.
Gentle parenting means looking at things from a child’s point of view, trying to understand how they are seeing things, and why they are feeling the way they are. It means using correction and guidance in a way that truly reaches them, based on our knowledge of who they are. It means gently shepherding them, with love, grace, compassion, and awareness. The way Christ shepherds us.
Gentle parenting, when properly understood, is beautiful.
Unfortunately, it’s almost never properly understood today. You say the term, and people immediately jump to conclusions based on their misunderstandings.
Which is why I’ve pretty much stopped using the phrase. I’ll use other similar terms- peaceful parenting, respectful parenting, conscious parenting, intentional parenting. But they’re all just another way to say what I’m really talking about- gentle parenting.
Simple Little Amy 